Swamp People, Capitalism, and Regulation

To borrow from Johnny Carson’s character, Carnac – the Magnificent, the answer to the question is, ‘Swamp people, capitalism, and regulation’. The question sealed in the envelope is, ‘Name an inspiration, an innovation, and constipation.’

Swamp People. The History Channel is running a show this summer called, ‘Swamp People’. It is a show about some of the people living in the swamps of southern Louisiana. These folks list ‘alligator hunter’ as their occupation. Just from watching a few episodes, I have learned a lot about trapping alligators. First, the trappers insert a heavy hook in a chicken carcass and tether the bait to a tree limb. The bait has to be low to the water so when the gator leaps from the water to capture its meal, it will swallow the hook thus ensnaring the beast. Second, the trappers return to their bait sites for the kill. There is only a small area on top of the head of the alligator about the size of a quarter where the animal can be killed with a gunshot. If the shot is not precise, one of the trappers, Troy, says, ‘it just pisses them off’. Third, once the gator is dead, it has to be hauled into the trapper’s boat. Generally the men hunt from a small aluminum boat so the gator must be pulled on board head first and then ‘rolled’ into the boat. Fourth, the men take the gators to a market where they are sold for a price determined by length of the animal.

This is ‘Americana’. This is surviving on the bayou. There is demand for gator hide and gator meat. Supply is produced by men who have carved a way of life from the demand for gator-skin purses, belts, and shoes. It’s not ‘high tech’. It’s just low tech know-how. I could be wrong but I don’t think there is a Harvard graduate out there on the bayou. No MIT grads, no PhDs, no Cal-Berkeley professors. They are just hard working industrious men who are the foundation of the alligator supply-demand process. They found a way to survive. They are an inspiration.

Capitalism. These men are also pure capitalists. One of the trappers forges his own hooks with lead that he melts himself. Some of the trappers skin the gators themselves. They design boats for the swamp waters of the bayou. Trapper Troy wanted to expand his trapping domain so he paid several thousand dollars for rights to more of the bayou. It was an area to which he had never ventured and as such, he had no knowledge of even the presence of alligators. He scouted the area first and then paid his money. He didn’t know if he would catch a single gator. But he took the chance with his own money. Troy knew there was no ‘bailout’ for him should the waters prove unproductive. The Treasury Secretary would not come to his aid. Nancy Pelosi couldn’t give an alligator’s nostril about Troy. Fortunately for him, the new waters paid off handsomely. That’s ‘capitalism’. Pure, raw, old-school capitalism. Every trip into the swamp brought risk of damaging a $6,000 outboard motor or a $10,000 boat. Every trip could come up completely empty. Every trip could result in death. These men took the risk. I can only hope they were all profusely rewarded for their dangerous work that ultimately hangs from the shoulders of the elite who can afford the end products. Capitalism breeds innovation. These men are the best gator trappers in the world. And, they all knew the risks. Not one of them was dependant upon a Harvard-produced politician to loot the country’s Treasury to fashion a bailout should their venture fail.

Regulation. So I got to thinking. How will the new government respond when they see this show? Surely the government will do what second-rate governments do – impose regulations on the industry that constipates capitalism. Surely Troy and the other trappers were making too much money. That money needs to be ‘spread around a little’. Regulation is the best way to do that. What will this regulation look like for two of the shows participants, Junior and his son Willy? I can only imagine…

1. They will have to register their boat and as such, there will be a tax assessed based on the overall length. The registration will have to be renewed each year by a process of hauling their boat to a federally licensed inspector. Junior and Willy will be responsible for all costs.
2. Junior and Willy will be required to be properly licensed to hunt alligators. Due to the dangerous nature of the beast, they will have to attend a class offered by the government to make sure the hunters can properly identify their prey. They will be given a written exam at the end of the course of which they must pass to receive said license. The exam manual is some 2,500 pages long. Junior and Willy will be responsible for all costs.
3. The trappers will be required to keep files on each alligator they kill. They will be required to keep statistics on the animal’s length, weight, and general disposition at the time of capture. The files will need to be kept for a period of 7 years and they need to be in descending order of animal length. To verify the authenticity of each animal, the trappers will be required to make a foot print of each animal on the file.
4. All trappers will be required to file their hunting agenda with the government alligator regulator. The filling forms will be in triplicate and kept on file for 3 years.
5. Due to the dangerous nature of the work, trappers will be required to post the OSHA guidelines in their boat. Signs can be purchased from the government at the trappers’ expense.
6. All trappers will be required to post Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) guidelines in their boats to ensure the trappers’ hiring guidelines are non-discriminatory.
7. Since a firearm is used in the process of killing the animals, the firearm will need to be stored and locked on one side of the boat and the ammunition locked and stored on the opposite side of the boat. Special containment bins need to be constructed to facilitate the storage. At which time an animal is spotted, the trappers will be allowed to load their weapons only within 20 feet of the actual prey. Detailed records will need to be kept including time of day, general water conditions, and receptiveness of the animal. Junior and Willy will be responsible for all costs.
8. Trappers will be required to initiate a study of all rounds that miss their target. Findings should include any non-targeted animals accidentally shot, any vegetation damaged, and any possible damage to the ecosystem that an errant round might cause. Junior and Willy will be responsible for all costs.
9. Life jackets will need to be worn at all times. Regulations acknowledge that should a trapper be ejected into the water, he will most likely be eaten by an alligator regardless of floatation assistance. However, the life jacket requirement will be remain mandatory.
10. Each boat will be required to carry an inflatable dingy. The dingy will need to be inspected by the trappers each month by inflating the craft to check for leaks. This will need to be documented and the file should be kept for a period of 3 years.
11. Each boat will be subject to random audit and inspection. Therefore, each trapper must provide a designated area on the boat for the government inspector. Preferably, this would require a seat with an overhead cover for the inspector to sit. Junior and Willy will be responsible for all costs.

Since the new regulatory guidelines would consume so much of their time, Junior and Willy may have to hire a new ‘government compliance’ person to deal with the paperwork. Should Junior and Willy decide to pay for all the new fees and regulations, the price of alligator hide and meat would have to rise considerably. They may also decide that after adding the gun storage, the ammunition storage, the dingy, and the government inspector seat in their boat that there would no longer be room for their gator cargo. In that case, they would likely be out of business. In an effort to exist, they would have to file for unemployment and go through all the government regulation to get on the dole. Then buyers of handbags could no doubt switch to imitation alligator skin bags manufactured in China. Of course, the government might step in and impose regulations on all those imports and…

‘May the next member of Congress to suggest even more government regulation be the object of affection from a diseased yak!’

Disclaimer: The views discussed in this article are solely the opinion of the writer and have been presented for educational purposes. They are not meant to serve as individual investment advice and should not be taken as such. This is not a solicitation to buy or sell anything. Readers should consult their registered financial representative to determine the suitability of any investment strategies undertaken or implemented.