Some experts allege that the icecaps are melting. We are warned about greenhouse gasses and their alleged effect on global temperatures. This is the theory of "global warming," accepted by many as scientific fact.
New Zealand is a country that officially believes in the theory that greenhouse gasses are heating the planet. By signing the Kyoto Protocol on global warming, New Zealand has signaled its willingness to combat anything that could increase global temperatures. The public might assume that the great culprit in global warming is some industrial concern or auto manufacturer far from New Zealand's shores. But things aren't so cut-and-dried.
It turns out that cows and sheep are highly gaseous. The methane bursts from these herbivorous mammals are said to be a factor in global warming. Therefore, New Zealand is obliged by treaty to reduce the emissions of its abundant flocks and herds.
So how does a rural democracy go about reducing animal flatulence? Is the solution to remonstrate with the herd? After all, this is what politicians do best. The arts of rhetoric, however, are powerless against the laws of digestive combustion; and the sage statesmen of New Zealand are no fools. So they decided to tax flatulence. That is to say, they put a tax on cattle, sheep and deer. Pigs were excluded, as most legislators are careful not to offend an important constituency.
The logic of New Zealand's tax on gaseous mammals can be explained as follows: It is impossible to reduce the methane outbursts of individual animals. Siphons, filters, containers and recycling simply won't work. Corks and other paraphernalia would only serve as temporary stopgaps. We already touched on the infeasibility of persuasion. The only thing remaining, then, is to reduce the number of offending animals. The flatulence tax is therefore levied against ranchers. The more animals they keep, the higher their tax. Being economic actors concerned with costs, the tax will encourage a reduction in livestock. Since the cost of New Zealand beef and lamb will increase, customers at home and abroad will buy less and less. As the business of raising sheep and cattle loses its profitability, the number of offending animals will be reduced (and so will New Zealand's greenhouse gas emissions).
It seems that New Zealand has hit upon an ingenious solution to the country's flatulence problem. They are abiding by their international agreements, by the Kyoto Protocol, and they should be congratulated. How the country's economy will survive is anybody's guess. But at least they are saving the planet. And this kind of heroism is rare indeed.
We look about to see who will be next? Who will follow the brave example of the New Zealanders? Perhaps the progressive thinkers of Africa will be next. The question is uppermost in my mind: What will the Dark Continent do about its elephants and their nitrous oxide production? If their numbers revive, will the greenhouse emissions of these intestinal giants threaten the earth with radical climate change? And what about whales? If size matters, then these might be the most environmentally destructive creatures on earth. Shall we mobilize the Japanese whaling industry for one last grand onslaught to save the planet? One can only imagine where all this is going to lead.
Most probably there will be advances in paleontology. Scientists have argued for centuries about the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. It is only a matter of time before a new paradigm emerges, pointing to the intestinal eruptions of the brontosaurus. Perhaps it was not a meteor strike or a volcanic eruption that lowered temperatures and killed the giant reptiles. Perhaps they gassed themselves to death. Great clouds of methane and nitrous oxide, rising from the primeval swamps, overheated the atmosphere until the planet's seas and lakes turned to virtual sauna-baths. Scientists may conclude, in the end, that the dinosaurs cooked themselves without realizing it.
Mankind does not want to go the way of the dinosaur. If we have to tear down farms and factories to survive, we will do whatever it takes. No one doubts that certain sacrifices will have to be made. As the global economy struggles to combat the gaseous emissions of sheep and cattle, there will come a day when the gaseous byproducts of leading institutions will have to be curbed - like the Federal Reserve, the United Nations and leading political parties. We will be lucky in this, because New Zealand has shown us the way. We have learned that it is not a question of reducing the emissions of individual animals. It is a matter of reducing the total number of offending creatures. If we can apply this lesson to America's biggest stinkers (i.e., homo economicus gasbageous and homo politicus gasbageous), the light at the end of our tunnel would no longer be the headlamp of an oncoming train.
